I Am Now a Man

TODAY (6/4/2011) was just one of those memorable days that should be documented. And now that I have a blog I can analyze every single part of it. Then when they find my mutilated body "hung by my own penis" they can investigate each word of my blog until they determine that it was a depreciating sense of self-worth and a disturbed childhood combined with a skewed thought process that caused me to end it all. Oh, And AIDS. 

AND IT WAS ALL DOCUMENTED HERE.

TODAY I took the SAT for the first time and gave into peer pressure.

Let's do a frame by frame time analysis. 

6:39-7:11 a.m.

Mom opens my door.

"Mallory, are you awake?" "Damn, I guess my alarm didn't go off."

Get dressed, get sexy, get going.

7:11-7:33 a.m.

Drive to Penn-Griffin School of the Arts (Fancy, right?).

During this drive my iPod alarm alerts. At 7:26. Not 6:26.

7:35-7:50 a.m. 

Wait with my "best friend" Thomas and my future husband Ray. EXCUSE ME, I meant Curtis Ray Edwards V. 

7:50-7:52 a.m.

Present my SAT ticket, walk upstairs, enter designated testing center.

7:50-8:12 a.m.

PONDER MY EXISTENCE 

while I wait for some other fucktards to arrive.

8:26 a.m.-1-FUCKING-30 p.m.

TEST.

Writereadanalyzeponderscribblethinkessaypontificateequationdefinecomparerelateaskdetailwordsassumeelaboratesolveprintreadscorestopbegininvolveexpandgraphpencilquestioncalculatorrelaxrepeatponderscribblethinkessaypontificateequationdefinecomparerelateaskscorestopbegininvolveexpandgraphpencicircumferencesentencestructureanglesidescontextline5functionofXassumeskipfractionbreathenapanalyzeerasebubbleconcludeconsider.

"You have 5 minutes to complete this section."

This is where the blogging begins. 

While I didn't think it was the worst experience of my life, I definitely don't look forward to doing it again. 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES. They ask you to read a description of the test before you actually begin testing and it clearly states that all testers will be given 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES to test. You could watch Watchmen in it's entirety and still have time for a few episodes of Coupling.

Four hours of pure sexual delight.

We start with an essay followed by 6, COUNT 'EM SIX, sections of either mathematics or reading. Then some more reading. Then some more math. In the end you've completed 10 sections of society produced bullshit. Seriously, when am I gonna use the word acumen?

Acumen; n. Quickness of intellectual insight, or discernment; keenness of discrimination.

So now some big guys with grading machines are going to give me a number and colleges are going to use it in an intellectual competition between my peers.

I'm not worried or anything, but sometimes I hate the way things are.

Back to the time sequence:

1:38-2:29 p.m.

Hang out with Ray and Thomas at McDonald's. 

2:35-2:41 p.m.

Drive to Upstairs Gallery to annoy Chloe.

2:43-4:36 p.m.

Blog time:

This the first memorable time that I gave into peer pressure.

I know I've done it before, but it wasn't one of those instances where it feels like a 7th grade informational video.

Before any of the peer pressuring began, this happened:

The murderer standing menacingly above me is actually Chloe.

See my blue tongue there? Blue Baby Bottle Pops are my favorite type of candy ever. I always eat them so there's a ton of sugar left over at the end and I eat it by itself. But it always disgusts Chloe. So while I was doing that at her desk stool I accidentally spilled it. Jokingly I think I made a line of it, like cocaine.

Then Chloe told me to snort it. 

She offered some type of reward or something, but I don't remember what it was. Recognition or something.

If you know me you know that I've never done drugs and I never plan to. It's just not my thing.

But I'm also not a pussy.

I also I think that snorting ANYTHING is stupid. Especially if it's not a drug. It doesn't even get you high. You just fuck up your nose.

But for some reason I sat there and thought about it. 

Then I did some research.

Then I sat some more.

In the end I obviously did it. And it was stupid as fuck. My nose burned. Luckily I only did a little.

Then Chloe decided to do it and I think she did more than me. For the first time in my life I know what it's like to "do drugs."

I've read books before and they explain it in detail, but it's never as real as doing it.

In conclusion, DRUGZ R STOOPID.

I will nevereverevereverever do that again. Oh, and this happened after:

I kinda hate this blog post in general because I actually wrote about that.

And mom, if you you some how happen to read this blog post and you get this far, I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

That's my hero, bitches.