Monday, June 20, 2011

Oh, Internet

Google Images is literally the greatest feature the Internet has to offer. If you don't agree with me then you just haven't learned to to use it to it's full capacity. Any combination of words or random thoughts can produce an amazing photo.

BTDubz: That site is awesome.

Now here's a shit ton of America's Next Top Model gifs:

Google Images can add spice to any regular conversation. Chloe, Nicole, and I once had a conversation based solely on photos.

Things that aren't funny instantly become hilarious. 


Now here's a wonderful collection of models with animals for hair.

Still not satisfied?!

You're welcome.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

When Did I Become a Ghost?

It's officially Father's Day, Skype won't work, and I'm way behind on Blogging.
I could never be my own boss.


My life feels gross. Everything that's happening feels wrong.
Yet I'm happy?

I'm reaching that one point of maturity.
That time that some people never reach.
I hate disobeying my parents.
Doing something slightly against their rules makes me uneasy.
I don't wanna spend the night at a different persons house every night of the week.
I don't wanna be out causing a ruckus.
I don't wanna be a jobless loser.
But at the same time:
I don't wanna wake up.
I don't wanna apply myself.
I don't wanna talk.

I want to fall asleep and dream for the next few weeks.
Now don't get me wrong
I have great parents, and friends, and money, and a house, and an education.
But I feel like somewhere along the line I fucked it up.
Just a little bit.

Like when I chose to dick off instead of do homework:
Goodbye super prestigious college option.
When I chose to hang out with friends instead of fill out job applications:
Goodbye money and an important life experience.
When I chose someone or something instead of my parents:
Goodbye meaningful time with the two people who care about me the most.
When I choose to be anti-social or when I treat someone like shit:
Goodbye someone I might need later on in life.

Each day is about decisions and for some reason all I can see are the wrong ones I took.

I'm 20 days away from my 17th birthday.
Why do I feel like I've wasted 17 years?
I don't know what I want to do with my future.
I do, but I don't.
Fuck careers.
Fuck independence.
Fuck relationships.
Why am I complaining? I haven't even shown you a funny photo this whole post.

I'm aiming to be that guy someday. A beard like that could open so many doors.

I hate people who complain about their lives. They sound downright idiotic.
I just don't know what to say.
I'm going through a phase.
I just want to do things over.

I don't want to post this, but it's the only solid thing I've written in two weeks. In fact, I've needed to say that for years now. I PROMISE I'M NOT SUICIDAL.

I'm sorry if you felt like you just wasted time reading that, but guess what?!
This is my blog and I pledged to do whatever the hell I want and not hold back.

For those of you who related to this blog post and may be suicidal:

Anyway, I have half-assed shit prepared so regular 'knee-slapping' hilarity will continue momentarily.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I Am Now a Man

TODAY (6/4/2011) was just one of those memorable days that should be documented. And now that I have a blog I can analyze every single part of it. Then when they find my mutilated body "hung by my own penis" they can investigate each word of my blog until they determine that it was a depreciating sense of self-worth and a disturbed childhood combined with a skewed thought process that caused me to end it all. Oh, And AIDS. 
TODAY I took the SAT for the first time and gave into peer pressure.
Let's do a frame by frame time analysis. 

6:39-7:11 a.m.
Mom opens my door.
"Mallory, are you awake?" "Damn, I guess my alarm didn't go off."
Get dressed, get sexy, get going.
7:11-7:33 a.m.
Drive to Penn-Griffin School of the Arts (Fancy, right?).
During this drive my iPod alarm alerts. At 7:26. Not 6:26.
7:35-7:50 a.m. 
Wait with my "best friend" Thomas and my future husband Ray. EXCUSE ME, I meant Curtis Ray Edwards V. 
7:50-7:52 a.m.
Present my SAT ticket, walk upstairs, enter designated testing center.
7:50-8:12 a.m.
while I wait for some other fucktards to arrive.
8:26 a.m.-1-FUCKING-30 p.m.
"You have 5 minutes to complete this section."

This is where the blogging begins. 
While I didn't think it was the worst experience of my life, I definitely don't look forward to doing it again. 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES. They ask you to read a description of the test before you actually begin testing and it clearly states that all testers will be given 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES to test. You could watch Watchmen in it's entirety and still have time for a few episodes of Coupling.

Four hours of pure sexual delight.
We start with an essay followed by 6, COUNT 'EM SIX, sections of either mathematics or reading. Then some more reading. Then some more math. In the end you've completed 10 sections of society produced bullshit. Seriously, when am I gonna use the word acumen?

Acumen; n. Quickness of intellectual insight, or discernment; keenness of discrimination.

So now some big guys with grading machines are going to give me a number and colleges are going to use it in an intellectual competition between my peers.
I'm not worried or anything, but sometimes I hate the way things are.

Back to the time sequence:
1:38-2:29 p.m.
Hang out with Ray and Thomas at McDonald's. 
2:35-2:41 p.m.
Drive to Upstairs Gallery to annoy Chloe.
2:43-4:36 p.m.
Blog time:
This the first memorable time that I gave into peer pressure.
I know I've done it before, but it wasn't one of those instances where it feels like a 7th grade informational video.

Before any of the peer pressuring began, this happened:

The murderer standing menacingly above me is actually Chloe.
See my blue tongue there? Blue Baby Bottle Pops are my favorite type of candy ever. I always eat them so there's a ton of sugar left over at the end and I eat it by itself. But it always disgusts Chloe. So while I was doing that at her desk stool I accidentally spilled it. Jokingly I think I made a line of it, like cocaine.
Then Chloe told me to snort it. 
She offered some type of reward or something, but I don't remember what it was. Recognition or something.
If you know me you know that I've never done drugs and I never plan to. It's just not my thing.
But I'm also not a pussy.
I also I think that snorting ANYTHING is stupid. Especially if it's not a drug. It doesn't even get you high. You just fuck up your nose.
But for some reason I sat there and thought about it. 
Then I did some research.
Then I sat some more.

In the end I obviously did it. And it was stupid as fuck. My nose burned. Luckily I only did a little.
Then Chloe decided to do it and I think she did more than me. For the first time in my life I know what it's like to "do drugs."
I've read books before and they explain it in detail, but it's never as real as doing it.
In conclusion, DRUGZ R STOOPID.
I will nevereverevereverever do that again. Oh, and this happened after:

I kinda hate this blog post in general because I actually wrote about that.
And mom, if you you some how happen to read this blog post and you get this far, I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

That's my hero, bitches.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

And So It Begins

NOTE: This shit was supposed to be posted yesterday. In fact, it was. But it made me look ignorant so I had to remove as quickly as possible. So act like I just handed you a time machine
This'll do.
and pretend it's in real time. I know you're good at pretending. You pretend like you have friends all the time. AND NOW...

And So It Begins
Was supposed to be the title of my second post. I was going to describe an epic tale of my journey throughout high school as I look upon my SENIOR YEAR.
But instead I'm sitting in the school computer lab. In a freshman class. Waiting to take a test. We were supposed to start and hour ago. It's 9:23 a.m. Testing "starts" at 8:20 a.m. There's something wrong with the computers. I've re-typed in the test code upwards of 20 times.

That test determines my future as a student at Wheatmore.

But I'm not worried.

It's going to be the easiest test I've ever taken. Any person with a little life-experience and common sense could pass it. Chloe and I even 'studied' last night:

It's a perfect study regimen. I even mentioned it in my Twitter. I have 12 followers. TWELVE. That's over two hands of fingers.


I'm getting a smidge off task.  
So yeah. I just took the test. It was, and to quote myself, "the easiest test I've ever taken." Some of it was actually kinda funny. I'm that guy that laughs at stupid stuff that's not actually funny.
For example, one of the first few questions was about Jane, Dick, and Dan. They all worked on an EMT squad and Dan would always complain to Jane. ABOUT DICK. It's hilarious because Dan is always complaining about DICK.
Looky there! Second post and I've already got a picture of a penis. It's pretty reminiscent of a classic Chloe Collins penis.
There was also a question about a Ginger. It was just someone's name, but a ginger's a ginger. Oh, and it was a Health Team Relations test so all of the questions were obviously related to the Medical field. Except this one question that asked "What is the proper way for a man to sit on stage?" 

This is correct.
Why would we need to know that?

So now I'm officially a SENIOR. But more on that later.

And now a small *Disclaimer*
I'm not actually sure where I'm going with this. This is the second post is less than 24 hours. I mean, I'm obviously gonna be a little overzealous for awhile and it'll die down. For now, this is what you get.

Just a final note: Google Images is a treasure trove of wonder and hilarium.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I'm Nervous

This is my first blog post ever. I'm sure you can see why I'm apprehensive.

I don’t wanna look back on it, which I will inevitably do a few thousand times, and say to myself, “Wow. Why am I so lame? THAT’S how I decided to begin this legacy?”

I mostly just said that so you’ll know where I’m coming from and you’ll sympathize with me.


Like an un-average person I decided to do some research before I started.
I checked into the only blogs I’ve ever read to view their first posts.

Chloe, my best friend: She chose an intro to herself. I'll do that later. I’ll paint you an in-depth picture of my life.

Nicole, the coolest person I've never met: We’re Facebook friends. Her first post is a dedication to her lover, Ryan Gosling. She just jumps into it. She even receives praise from the well known Krall who writes,
        "I applaud this wonderful first blog entry!"
Natalie, a practically famous blogger: I don’t actually know her personally, but she’s a hilarious blogger who is obsessed with mayo, Taco Bell, and S E X. Her first post is a list, and if you know me and Chloe she started things out right. 


I’m still not sure how to start, but in my opinion I’m almost done.

Besides, I’ll probably just post again tomorrow. My head is swimming with second and third and fourth posts. Just not first posts.

As I close here’s Google Images ‘greatest photo ever’: